As much as I'd like to believe that I am my own person- in that all my behaviors are my own and the way that I think about the world around me is compiled of my own personal experiences based on what I've seen myself, that's not all completely true. No matter how much I- or anyone else for that matter- would like to think that, my family does have an influence on me. The way I was raised still plays a big part of my life and I cannot help that,. Even though I totally believe that people can change (if they're serious about doing so), it's not like everyone can be like Jean Valjean from Les Miserables and flip a total 180 and totally leave their past behind. Everyone's past/background still influences them in their present life. What I wanna talk about today is family culture- how they're established, what 'rules' exist in each kind of family system, and my own past & future family cultures.
This week while we were learning about different theories for what makes a family culture, the one that stuck with me the most- because this theory makes the most sense to me as well as the fact that it gives me what feels like a microscopic view of what makes a family, the nitty gritty- was a theory that proposes the idea of family subsystems: that within each family there are multiple alliances, if you will; there can be sister-sister alliances, brother-brother alliances, youngest kids, oldest kids, mom & dad, dad and son, mom and daughter, mom and son, dad and daughter, etc. There are multiple different relationships that make up the family culture. Ideally it starts off with a relationship between the husband and wife- there's one subsystem (if you will) right there. Then a baby enters the family, and then there are 3 subsystems in the family unit- mom and baby, daddy & baby, and the original husband and wife relationship. Then another child enters the family and then immediately there are three times as many subsystems to include a sibling-sibling relationship along with each child's individual relationship with each parent (again this is all ideal). Each subsystem/relationship within the family unit is unique and different all on its own.
Another aspect of this theory is that within each subsystem there are 'rules', spoken and unspoken. I've even venture to say that there are more unspoken rules than spoken/written ones. One may consider them boundaries, but regardless, the function of these rules is to maintain the culture of the relationship- whether that be the subsystem or the entire unit itself. While I tried to think of 'rules' in my family- specifically the unspoken ones- I had a hard time remembering how I even learned them. I know I always followed them, but one suggestion brought up in class that made a lot of sense to me is that the way we learn the unspoken rules is when we break them- unintentionally, of course.
I remember one time when I learned an unspoken rule when we were at the dinner table eating dinner, and even though I can't remember what was being talked about I remember for some reason that I brought up making out or some kind of somewhat sexual thing, referring to the people my family was talking about. I remember as soon as I said that, my whole family was silent. I remember seeing my two brothers laugh and my mom gave them a chiding look, but looking back I think the only reason my other sisters were silent was because they were surprised I even knew about any kind of 'sex stuff'. Granted I didn't know what sex truly was until I was 15, but I knew about other stuff, and no one recognized that until it was blasted into the open. I remember immediately feeling embarrassed, that I'd done something wrong, because I wasn't getting a response- at least until I heard my parents say, "Sarah, we don't talk about those things. Especially at the dinner table." Then Dad proceeded to ask us about what else we learned at school. It wasn't until I broke that rule that a rule was officially made- at least official to my knowledge.
I can think of plenty of rules that we all knew about because they were stated out loud (mostly by Mom)- we always eat dinner together as a family at the table no matter how much homework you have unless you have a sports game or performance or Dad has a meeting, as soon as Mom calls you come out of your room to answer her rather than just saying "What?!" from your bed, no listening to music through BOTH headphones- other wise you couldn't hear when Mom or Dad ask you to do something, girls can't have their ears pierced until they're 15 years old (and anytime you ask for it earlier there's another year added), etc. But there were way more unspoken rules- don't get caught staying up late after we've had family prayer before going to bed, no walking around the house with your shirt off or with not very much clothing on, you don't talk about ANYTHING sexual around Mom and Dad, and when you're opening up about your emotional problems.... don't do it very much...and if you do, do it with God in prayer fist and then talk to Mom or Dad about it.
There aren't many things I'd change about the way I was raised, I certainly appreciate more things about how my parents raised me now that I'm an adult, but I want to make my future family culture open to not having the subsystems be a secret or the kind of relationship that thrives off of secrecy. I want to establish my future family culture around openness. Open-heartedness, open-mindedness, open emotions, open space to share, open kitchen and pantry (except Mom's sweets drawer for me), just general openness. I want to make sure that all of my kids know that they can come to me or my husband about anything and we will be good listeners. I want my kids to not feel uncomfortable about the human body, especially about sexual things. But basically, general openness.
What kind of culture did you grow up with? What were some unspoken rules in your home? I'd love to hear:)
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