We’ve all said it in various ways and plenty more will say it again: “the world needs better communicators”, “if only people would just learn how to communicate”, “people just SUCK at communicating”, etc. I think there are various reasons for communication challenges- pathological liars, bad childhood, timidity or shyness, (social) anxiety, don’t wanna day anything that nobody else is saying because that gives me unwanted attention, et cetera et cetera et cetera. But more than anything I believe that the problem with communication all boils down to
VULNERABILITY.
Real, totally honest communication means exposing something about ourselves that we’re probably not willing to share with anybody. Vulnerability is hard for everybody, no matter your past history; we’re human beings and we like to be comfortable and have as much control over our image and comfort as possible. But the beauty of vulnerability is that it’s the very thing that builds what we want even more than control or comfort, and that’s intimacy. Shared vulnerability creates intimacy- emotional and spiritual, not just physical. But even though we all crave closeness with romantic partners as well as family and friends, why do we suck so badly at communicating and sharing those vulnerabilities?
This week in class we talked about communication, and the thing I love when talking about communication in an academic setting is not only why we have issues with it so often, but most especially when we talk about specific ways to fix it. I’d like to think that it’s pretty safe to speak for everyone when I saw that we all think we have at least an idea of what good communication looks or sounds like. I myself struggle with thinking that I’m a good listener, but one thing I was reminded of this week was the principle of confirming what someone says, or confirmation. I was actually really touched by this concept because it reminded me of when I first learned about using this practice while I was a full-time missionary. In the Preach My Gospel manual, one of the chapters talks specifically about this practice and specifically using it with your investigators during lessons. It comes out in phrases like, “So what you’re saying is..., is that right?” Or even, “So are you saying that....?” When you say things like that, you’re not only showing the other person that you really are listening to them and trying to understand what they’re really saying, but it also helps you not look like an idiot or a jerk later on in the conversation. I still remember when I read that how I thought, “Oh that’s a nice idea.” But now I think, “Oh my gosh why isn’t everyone doing this?! This could save all of us so much confusion and conflict if we’d just ask confirming questions!!!”
The topic of communication brought back a LOT of memories from my childhood and growing-up years. I guess I shouldn’t think that my family is much different than many other families as far as how bad we are at communication, I don’t think many people in this world are consistently good communicators- let alone whole families. We assume a lot of things in my family, and when something’s bothering us we either keep quiet or explode. And after that all happens we just act like it’s over and done for and we were taught to “just get over it.” I can honestly say I don’t remember more than 2 or 3 times in my life while still living with siblings that either a sister/brother apologized to another sibling or a sibling apologized to me; we’re not good at addressing the problem without yelling at each other and aggressively getting our point across. It very quickly becomes a matter of convincing the other that we’re right and they’re wrong. Yelling is something I’ve become very sensitive about because of how bad a problem it is in my family, and in all honesty it came from Mj mother. Sometimes I honestly wonder if we have some Italian in her line because when she gets even slightly annoyed or even just passionate about something, she raises her voice and says she’s not yelling 😳😐😒😡 I want to make a concerted effort throughout my life to not be afraid of being the first one to apologize, and also to not raise my voice when it’s not necessary- which according to one of our prophets is only a necessity if the house is on fire. I want to make sure that I practice good communication now so I can be an even better communicator as a wife and mother, and especially so I’ll know how to help clients/others to improve their communication as a future therapist.
Saturday, November 24, 2018
Saturday, November 17, 2018
"Everybody Hurts Sometimes"
I think I may start a new theme of making my blog titles the names of songs that fit the blog's motif. I've always felt a deep connection with music and that sometimes it speaks for us when we can't find the right words. Anyway, hopefully the songs mentioned are at least something you can recognize as the reader, otherwise it'll be another homework assignment for you;)
This week, I had another "big experience" as I say, and normally I don't really talk about a lot of truly personal things on my blog- in part because I don't know who actually reads these besides the TA for the class which assigns these weekly blogs, and also because I've never been that person who's willing to share sad things over the Internet. But somehow I guess today I felt like opening up.
So I was in a relationship with a guy- I'll call him Jacob- for a little over a month until last Wednesday. We jumped into a serious relationship after dating for literally only a week, and we even came to the point halfway through that month when he said "I love you" and later that night I said "I love you, too." To be truly honest, I do feel like we both meant it- at least I know I did. We did love each other, but just as quickly as that love came it left. For a little over a week now I felt like something was off; I thought that maybe it was just the fact that we'd made a conscious effort to lay off of each other (literally) and not be quite so physically passionate. We never did anything crazy, but it was kind of a focus of our relationship for a little while. So I thought that maybe things felt off because there was a lack of physical passion, for good reason. But even though I did notice that I just wasn't feeling right about something, I chose to ignore my gut feelings(or what we members of the Church also refer to as "the Spirit") and keep my rose-colored glasses fastened to my eyes. I figured since we'd worked out other things before then we could work them out again and we were just going through a phase. Then after I had a very uplifting spiritual experience last Wednesday evening after spending a few hours in the Rexburg temple, Jacob took me out to dinner after he'd finished with his extracurricular clubs and philosophy societies. While we ate, Jacob surprised me by unleashing all the thoughts and feelings he'd been holding for some time, and frankly he hurt my feelings in the way he went about doing it. I felt like this was coming out of nowhere, I was beyond flabbergasted. There was some truth to some of what he said, but I just felt so distraught by what he said that I asked him to take me home. I asked him just to drop me off instead of walking me to the door and he got mad at me, so while he was saying some last words before seeing me off I asked-through many tears- if we could go somewhere instead. I hated crying in front of him; I'd already felt so vulnerable in the beginning of our relationship and this was like the third time he'd seen me cry. I was so tired of feeling so guilty around him. We pulled into a church parking lot and I ended up apologizing for some of the things he'd mentioned, and after a moment he said, "I feel impressed that we should take a break." Somehow I surprised myself by responding, without a moment's pause, "I think so, too."
And just like that, we were done. He dropped me off after we finished talking and I stayed up until 2am that night eating a soppy Hallmark romance and eating my dinner leftovers and some ice cream that one of my sweet roommates insisted on buying for me. The day after that I felt fine, but it wasn't until Friday and Saturday (today) that I've finally registered what happened; it took a bit for the breakup to hit me. I knew even though he'd said we need a "break", I knew in that moment I was never getting back together with him. Our breakup is something we both needed so we could individually work on what we each needed to work on, but I also realized once we ended things just what was wrong with the relationship (and frankly, what was wrong with him) and where we both went wrong. So, today I'm sitting in sweats and grieving with Cafe Rio and the "Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society" movie.
Now, here's why I bring that whole shebang up on a public blog: this isn't the first time I've gone through something where I feel heartbroken and need to cope. Technically it's the second, but the point is that this event was actually pretty fitting for the lesson in this week's classes: coping. Specifically we talked about how families cope, but one of the main things I got out of it was that because families are made up of individuals, I need to decide that I'm going to cope in healthy ways myself before learning how to cope with a spouse and/or children in the future. Because this week our class was reading about healthy vs. unhealthy ways to cope, I started paying attention to what I decided to do to cope with my heartbreak. I've done some crying, I'll write in a journal later, but I've feng shui'd and organized my room so I can actually see the bottom of my desk without useless receipts and papers, I've taken a long hot bath with a bath bomb (technically Jacob gave me the bath bomb, but just because it came from him doesn't mean I can't still enjoy it for what it is), treated myself to a sweet pork salad, and talked things over with some of my trusted roommates and one or two close friends. I don't know if I can say all of my coping methods are truly healthy- like how I watched the last bit of this most recent Bachelorette season's episode when Becca is down to Blake and Garrett and chooses Garrett, I cried when Blake was sent home and when Garrett proposed. Like I wept y'all, seriously weeping and sobbing and some gnashing of teeth because I was mad at myself for being such a bawl-bag. But at least I know I'm getting my emotions out in front of a few people I trust and who support me in my decisions, and I'm letting myself spend some time- not much time but some- to reflect on what happened.
I originally was going to make this post a sort of list of all the things I've had to "cope" through- like moving to three different high schools and living in about 10 houses/apartments just within my high school career, serving a full-time mission, being made fun of for my laugh in middle school, being an introvert for way too long and feeling entirely alone, wearing braces, being diagnosed with hypothyroidism when I was 9 years old after having two ovarian cyst surgeries, adult onset acne, a whole scroll of things. But everyone can make a list of things they've had to cope with; the real test is how we all learned to do just that-cope with all those things. We're tested with various unwanted and self-induced circumstances and we only get out of those ruts when we learn how to work and deal with them in a healthy way. We need to remember that life is not out to get us; things just happen. Sometimes those things happen because of our own stupidity, but they happen. It's our job to accept that they happened, and the only way to move now is forward and not backward; it is not productive or wise to dwell on the past and live in regret. I've learned that the hard way. We CAN change, we CAN make changes and we CAN become better than we were yesterday, or even an hour or a minute ago! Change is absolutely possible, I see it in people all the time and I try to see it in myself every day! The goal is to make sure you're always trying; if you do that, no one can say you didn't. If we learn how to choose to be happy despite and even in our circumstances, then nothing that happens to us will have too drastic of an impact on us. I once heard someone say that disappointment is an occasional visitor, but it's never a permanent resident. Normal human emotions should be welcomed, but we can tap into something more than human, even divine, as we learn to let go of human impulse to stay angry or sad until we feel 'satisfied'- as if we even truly know what that would mean.
Also, one other thing I realized is that coping isn't meant to be done alone; we need each other to cope, we need our families and trusted friends to cope. We're not meant just to endure the human experience by trudging through it looking ahead at a blank sidewalk; we can look ahead to see other footprints who've already walked the path we're choosing to walk and see who else is there for the journey.
This week, I had another "big experience" as I say, and normally I don't really talk about a lot of truly personal things on my blog- in part because I don't know who actually reads these besides the TA for the class which assigns these weekly blogs, and also because I've never been that person who's willing to share sad things over the Internet. But somehow I guess today I felt like opening up.
So I was in a relationship with a guy- I'll call him Jacob- for a little over a month until last Wednesday. We jumped into a serious relationship after dating for literally only a week, and we even came to the point halfway through that month when he said "I love you" and later that night I said "I love you, too." To be truly honest, I do feel like we both meant it- at least I know I did. We did love each other, but just as quickly as that love came it left. For a little over a week now I felt like something was off; I thought that maybe it was just the fact that we'd made a conscious effort to lay off of each other (literally) and not be quite so physically passionate. We never did anything crazy, but it was kind of a focus of our relationship for a little while. So I thought that maybe things felt off because there was a lack of physical passion, for good reason. But even though I did notice that I just wasn't feeling right about something, I chose to ignore my gut feelings(or what we members of the Church also refer to as "the Spirit") and keep my rose-colored glasses fastened to my eyes. I figured since we'd worked out other things before then we could work them out again and we were just going through a phase. Then after I had a very uplifting spiritual experience last Wednesday evening after spending a few hours in the Rexburg temple, Jacob took me out to dinner after he'd finished with his extracurricular clubs and philosophy societies. While we ate, Jacob surprised me by unleashing all the thoughts and feelings he'd been holding for some time, and frankly he hurt my feelings in the way he went about doing it. I felt like this was coming out of nowhere, I was beyond flabbergasted. There was some truth to some of what he said, but I just felt so distraught by what he said that I asked him to take me home. I asked him just to drop me off instead of walking me to the door and he got mad at me, so while he was saying some last words before seeing me off I asked-through many tears- if we could go somewhere instead. I hated crying in front of him; I'd already felt so vulnerable in the beginning of our relationship and this was like the third time he'd seen me cry. I was so tired of feeling so guilty around him. We pulled into a church parking lot and I ended up apologizing for some of the things he'd mentioned, and after a moment he said, "I feel impressed that we should take a break." Somehow I surprised myself by responding, without a moment's pause, "I think so, too."
And just like that, we were done. He dropped me off after we finished talking and I stayed up until 2am that night eating a soppy Hallmark romance and eating my dinner leftovers and some ice cream that one of my sweet roommates insisted on buying for me. The day after that I felt fine, but it wasn't until Friday and Saturday (today) that I've finally registered what happened; it took a bit for the breakup to hit me. I knew even though he'd said we need a "break", I knew in that moment I was never getting back together with him. Our breakup is something we both needed so we could individually work on what we each needed to work on, but I also realized once we ended things just what was wrong with the relationship (and frankly, what was wrong with him) and where we both went wrong. So, today I'm sitting in sweats and grieving with Cafe Rio and the "Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society" movie.
Now, here's why I bring that whole shebang up on a public blog: this isn't the first time I've gone through something where I feel heartbroken and need to cope. Technically it's the second, but the point is that this event was actually pretty fitting for the lesson in this week's classes: coping. Specifically we talked about how families cope, but one of the main things I got out of it was that because families are made up of individuals, I need to decide that I'm going to cope in healthy ways myself before learning how to cope with a spouse and/or children in the future. Because this week our class was reading about healthy vs. unhealthy ways to cope, I started paying attention to what I decided to do to cope with my heartbreak. I've done some crying, I'll write in a journal later, but I've feng shui'd and organized my room so I can actually see the bottom of my desk without useless receipts and papers, I've taken a long hot bath with a bath bomb (technically Jacob gave me the bath bomb, but just because it came from him doesn't mean I can't still enjoy it for what it is), treated myself to a sweet pork salad, and talked things over with some of my trusted roommates and one or two close friends. I don't know if I can say all of my coping methods are truly healthy- like how I watched the last bit of this most recent Bachelorette season's episode when Becca is down to Blake and Garrett and chooses Garrett, I cried when Blake was sent home and when Garrett proposed. Like I wept y'all, seriously weeping and sobbing and some gnashing of teeth because I was mad at myself for being such a bawl-bag. But at least I know I'm getting my emotions out in front of a few people I trust and who support me in my decisions, and I'm letting myself spend some time- not much time but some- to reflect on what happened.
I originally was going to make this post a sort of list of all the things I've had to "cope" through- like moving to three different high schools and living in about 10 houses/apartments just within my high school career, serving a full-time mission, being made fun of for my laugh in middle school, being an introvert for way too long and feeling entirely alone, wearing braces, being diagnosed with hypothyroidism when I was 9 years old after having two ovarian cyst surgeries, adult onset acne, a whole scroll of things. But everyone can make a list of things they've had to cope with; the real test is how we all learned to do just that-cope with all those things. We're tested with various unwanted and self-induced circumstances and we only get out of those ruts when we learn how to work and deal with them in a healthy way. We need to remember that life is not out to get us; things just happen. Sometimes those things happen because of our own stupidity, but they happen. It's our job to accept that they happened, and the only way to move now is forward and not backward; it is not productive or wise to dwell on the past and live in regret. I've learned that the hard way. We CAN change, we CAN make changes and we CAN become better than we were yesterday, or even an hour or a minute ago! Change is absolutely possible, I see it in people all the time and I try to see it in myself every day! The goal is to make sure you're always trying; if you do that, no one can say you didn't. If we learn how to choose to be happy despite and even in our circumstances, then nothing that happens to us will have too drastic of an impact on us. I once heard someone say that disappointment is an occasional visitor, but it's never a permanent resident. Normal human emotions should be welcomed, but we can tap into something more than human, even divine, as we learn to let go of human impulse to stay angry or sad until we feel 'satisfied'- as if we even truly know what that would mean.
Also, one other thing I realized is that coping isn't meant to be done alone; we need each other to cope, we need our families and trusted friends to cope. We're not meant just to endure the human experience by trudging through it looking ahead at a blank sidewalk; we can look ahead to see other footprints who've already walked the path we're choosing to walk and see who else is there for the journey.
Saturday, November 10, 2018
"Let's Talk About Sex Baby"
I'm sure you were a little caught off guard by that title, but I thought I might try to make sure the rest of my blog's mood wasn't too serious. We're here to talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be, so let's talk about sex.
Here's the thing: immediately when we even hear or even see the word sex, what comes to our minds? Does the word make you feel uncomfortable, does it seem like a funny thing, does it bring up bad memories or negative past experiences, how does it make you feel to talk about it? For me, sometimes the word sex even now makes me feel...well, not queasy or disgusted, but just nervous that someone will see or hear me involved in that conversation- like 'why is she talking about sex with someone? She must be a dirty person!' Obviously that's not the way it is, I know, but in my mind of social anxiety that's what comes to my mind. I came to understand a while ago that sex is nothing to be ashamed of and that it's something that every person needs to talk about at some point, or at least think about at some point.
As part of a "Leave It to Beaver" kind of home, there seems to be an unspoken understanding that talking about sex is bad; anytime anything related to it is mentioned there's awkward silence and uncomfortable vibes. I never even got the sex talk with my parents; I remember their version of the sex talk was that it's beautiful and sacred, but because it's sacred it needs to be kept within a sacred trust and promise between two people that truly love each other. Even after that I still didn't know what it actually is, like what it takes for a baby to be conceived. I knew that there involved a lot of kissing and that sometimes you'd take off your clothes, but I had no idea what else there was. I eventually found out from a friend at school when I was a freshman in high school, 15 years old. Some dumb boys were making a sex joke in front of us and I just felt so tired of being so ignorant so I went ahead and asked. I definitely remember feeling queasy about that.
As I've grown and matured, and specifically in this case physically matured, I came to understand the implications of and factors involved with sex. I learned, especially from my dad, that a major reason why sex is such a powerful thing is because it's meant to heal and build upon relationships of love; sex is so powerful that even when the relationship is in shambles or about to be so, having sex can make the partners feel like their problems might not be so big and it literally heals relationships. Sex can create feelings of intimacy where there were none before. And because sex is so powerful, I want to make sure I treat my first time as something truly special and to save it for someone who is truly special to me.
In regards to sex during marriage, one thing we talked about this week was the idea of having an affair- why it happens, different kinds of affairs and what they all mean, and how to mend a relationship where an affair broke mutual trust between partners. It honestly made me really really sad to think that affairs really are a reality in this world- even though it's even less common today than it was back in say the 60's or 70's to have an affair (this was during the sexual revolution), it's obviously still around- and even worse that there are multiple ways to have an affair other than having explicit sexual relations with someone other than your spouse. Even a married woman having a serious celebrity crush can be considered an affair! No one is immune! My favorite quote I read from a fantastic article about all these very subjects is "Infidelity has less to do with the state of a marriage and more to do with the individual. It is often a result of a personal transformation that has taken place within an individual’s very nature." Just because your marriage or relationship may be suffering, that is still no excuse to indulge in an affair, or even multiple. Most people (including me before this week) believe that people who engage in affairs are suffering bad marriages and are seeking some kind of validation from another source. But even in great marriages people can decide have affairs.
The biggest thing I learned/was reminded of this week was not only the beauty and sacredness of sex, but more importantly my resolve to stay faithful to my future spouse became even stronger. I promised a long time ago and even today whenever I hear about someone being unfaithful in their relationship, I silently think to myself, "I am never ever ever going to cheat on my husband- not with another man, not with Youtube, not in my thoughts, none of that."
Here's the thing: immediately when we even hear or even see the word sex, what comes to our minds? Does the word make you feel uncomfortable, does it seem like a funny thing, does it bring up bad memories or negative past experiences, how does it make you feel to talk about it? For me, sometimes the word sex even now makes me feel...well, not queasy or disgusted, but just nervous that someone will see or hear me involved in that conversation- like 'why is she talking about sex with someone? She must be a dirty person!' Obviously that's not the way it is, I know, but in my mind of social anxiety that's what comes to my mind. I came to understand a while ago that sex is nothing to be ashamed of and that it's something that every person needs to talk about at some point, or at least think about at some point.
As part of a "Leave It to Beaver" kind of home, there seems to be an unspoken understanding that talking about sex is bad; anytime anything related to it is mentioned there's awkward silence and uncomfortable vibes. I never even got the sex talk with my parents; I remember their version of the sex talk was that it's beautiful and sacred, but because it's sacred it needs to be kept within a sacred trust and promise between two people that truly love each other. Even after that I still didn't know what it actually is, like what it takes for a baby to be conceived. I knew that there involved a lot of kissing and that sometimes you'd take off your clothes, but I had no idea what else there was. I eventually found out from a friend at school when I was a freshman in high school, 15 years old. Some dumb boys were making a sex joke in front of us and I just felt so tired of being so ignorant so I went ahead and asked. I definitely remember feeling queasy about that.
As I've grown and matured, and specifically in this case physically matured, I came to understand the implications of and factors involved with sex. I learned, especially from my dad, that a major reason why sex is such a powerful thing is because it's meant to heal and build upon relationships of love; sex is so powerful that even when the relationship is in shambles or about to be so, having sex can make the partners feel like their problems might not be so big and it literally heals relationships. Sex can create feelings of intimacy where there were none before. And because sex is so powerful, I want to make sure I treat my first time as something truly special and to save it for someone who is truly special to me.
In regards to sex during marriage, one thing we talked about this week was the idea of having an affair- why it happens, different kinds of affairs and what they all mean, and how to mend a relationship where an affair broke mutual trust between partners. It honestly made me really really sad to think that affairs really are a reality in this world- even though it's even less common today than it was back in say the 60's or 70's to have an affair (this was during the sexual revolution), it's obviously still around- and even worse that there are multiple ways to have an affair other than having explicit sexual relations with someone other than your spouse. Even a married woman having a serious celebrity crush can be considered an affair! No one is immune! My favorite quote I read from a fantastic article about all these very subjects is "Infidelity has less to do with the state of a marriage and more to do with the individual. It is often a result of a personal transformation that has taken place within an individual’s very nature." Just because your marriage or relationship may be suffering, that is still no excuse to indulge in an affair, or even multiple. Most people (including me before this week) believe that people who engage in affairs are suffering bad marriages and are seeking some kind of validation from another source. But even in great marriages people can decide have affairs.
The biggest thing I learned/was reminded of this week was not only the beauty and sacredness of sex, but more importantly my resolve to stay faithful to my future spouse became even stronger. I promised a long time ago and even today whenever I hear about someone being unfaithful in their relationship, I silently think to myself, "I am never ever ever going to cheat on my husband- not with another man, not with Youtube, not in my thoughts, none of that."
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
"You Can't Have One Without the Other"
I've always been a sucker for old music, and one of my favorites by good ol' Frank Sinatra is "Love and Marriage". The song seems to present a simple message that, coming from a "Leave it to Beaver" kind of home, makes perfect sense to me (like the song says, "Ask the local gentry, and they'll say it's elementary"). Sinatra sings about how "love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage... Try to separate them, [and] it's an illusion." The main message I've always gotten from this song, along with others like it, is that love should lead to marriage and that marriage should always possess a great deal of love within the relationship.
Well, I'm not married yet (and far from it), but from what I've observed and heard and studied about love, marriage doesn't always feel like a classic Frank Sinatra song; sometimes you really love each other and wonder how you could ever spend another second apart from your adoring spouse, and sometimes it feels like you can't get enough time away from your now annoying spouse. It's no surprise that marriages are like this, I feel the same way about my best friends, roommates and even other family members. The thing about relationships is that none of them are perfect; they're full of ups and downs, good days and bad days, moments when you can't get enough of someone and moments you wish they'd go away or stop bothering you or even read your mind to see what's really going on in your head and heart. There is love within all of our relationships, just different kinds. And marriage is another kind of relationship with yet another kind of love- ideally the ultimate romantic kind of love.
This week in class we talked about preparing for marriage- what goes into planning the wedding, what to expect and what to adjust to, and there are more things to think about than I originally thought! I thought I knew everything there was to adjust to because, as the youngest child in my family and only remaining single kid, I thought I'd basically seen it all. I'll never forget when one of my six sisters told me about how uncomfortable it was to go to the bathroom in front of her husband- "We were ok with peeing in front of each other, but pooping in front of each other took like a whole year." ???????????????????? In my teenage mind I was thinking "Why are you telling me this??!?" But I can see her point; there are a LOT of little things you have to adjust to that you may never have even thoughts were something that would be a topic of conversation or debate! While discussing all of those possible things to get used to with your spouse, I felt more motivated to make sure whoever I'm thinking about marrying is someone who I've dated for all four seasons (as my mother so wisely advised); I want to make sure I'm already aware of at least most of my future husband's habits before I marry him- how much money he's willing to spend on fun things versus practical things like groceries, how much time does he take for homework during the day and what kind of a work ethic does he have, is he clean and tidy with his food and belongings, if for some odd reason I ever see him take a nap does he snore or take up all the sheets, how easy is it for us to communicate and how quickly can we resolve things, does he need a lot of time to cool down before discussing something that's bothering him, does he turn up his car music or TV show a little too loud or soft for my liking, does he set multiple alarms because it takes a while to wake up or can he wake up after just the first one, is he a light or heavy sleeper, how does he feel about people coming over to his house, how much of a people-person or how social is he, etc. I wanna be sure I'm not too surprised at what I see (or hear or smell) after I say "I do".
One thing I've been thinking a lot about this week from our class discussions is weddings, especially my own. I'll admit, I do have a Pinterest board dedicated to "Wedding Ideas?" filled with decor, reception venues, proposal fantasy ideas, honeymoon ideas, engagement rings, the whole hullabaloo. I still remember when I started that board- I was visiting my sister in Alaska when she was about to have her baby, and I was so bored that I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon with other girls my age and start thinking about my future wedding. I've added little bits to it here and there in the past, but now it's one of my bigger boards just because of this week 😀 In class, our teacher brought up an interesting fun fact he heard: the more expensive the engagement ring, the less likely the marriage will last long-term. I'm not completely sure where my opinion stands on that, but I can kinda see where the guy's coming from; if there's a ginormous ring dangling on the bride's finger, then there's probably going to be some suspicion about how materialistic she may be- is she high maintenance or even a gold digger? Maybe that's just me ;)
Whelp, as far as weddings go I may have some fun ideas as to what I'd like, but whenever I think about my own future wedding, I remember the last time one of my siblings got married: my brother Tim was about to be sealed in the Payson, Utah temple with his sweetheart the next day, and my sisters were talking about their weddings and how they felt on their 'wedding eves', and suddenly after comparing and contrasting each other's receptions and all the stress and planning that went into it, they all looked at me and said, "Sarah, don't even plan a wedding, it's so not worth it. Just take the money and RUN! Go off and thank everyone for wishing you well later." I can see some truth in that, but we'll see whether or not I heed their advice ;)
As fun as thinking about a wedding is and planning a reception and wondering how I'll decorate all the mason jars, I was glad to have another good reminder this week of the difference between the marriage and the wedding, and to remember to place the importance on the marriage. The whole celebration is about two people who've decided to love and cherish each other for forever, and as scary as that kind of commitment can be, it is still a reason to celebrate and rejoice in because love is all about commitment and loyalty and faith in each other. I'm excited to build my classic Frank Sinatra kind of relationship with my future sweetheart, cuz I don't wanna have love without marriage or a marriage without love :)
Well, I'm not married yet (and far from it), but from what I've observed and heard and studied about love, marriage doesn't always feel like a classic Frank Sinatra song; sometimes you really love each other and wonder how you could ever spend another second apart from your adoring spouse, and sometimes it feels like you can't get enough time away from your now annoying spouse. It's no surprise that marriages are like this, I feel the same way about my best friends, roommates and even other family members. The thing about relationships is that none of them are perfect; they're full of ups and downs, good days and bad days, moments when you can't get enough of someone and moments you wish they'd go away or stop bothering you or even read your mind to see what's really going on in your head and heart. There is love within all of our relationships, just different kinds. And marriage is another kind of relationship with yet another kind of love- ideally the ultimate romantic kind of love.
This week in class we talked about preparing for marriage- what goes into planning the wedding, what to expect and what to adjust to, and there are more things to think about than I originally thought! I thought I knew everything there was to adjust to because, as the youngest child in my family and only remaining single kid, I thought I'd basically seen it all. I'll never forget when one of my six sisters told me about how uncomfortable it was to go to the bathroom in front of her husband- "We were ok with peeing in front of each other, but pooping in front of each other took like a whole year." ???????????????????? In my teenage mind I was thinking "Why are you telling me this??!?" But I can see her point; there are a LOT of little things you have to adjust to that you may never have even thoughts were something that would be a topic of conversation or debate! While discussing all of those possible things to get used to with your spouse, I felt more motivated to make sure whoever I'm thinking about marrying is someone who I've dated for all four seasons (as my mother so wisely advised); I want to make sure I'm already aware of at least most of my future husband's habits before I marry him- how much money he's willing to spend on fun things versus practical things like groceries, how much time does he take for homework during the day and what kind of a work ethic does he have, is he clean and tidy with his food and belongings, if for some odd reason I ever see him take a nap does he snore or take up all the sheets, how easy is it for us to communicate and how quickly can we resolve things, does he need a lot of time to cool down before discussing something that's bothering him, does he turn up his car music or TV show a little too loud or soft for my liking, does he set multiple alarms because it takes a while to wake up or can he wake up after just the first one, is he a light or heavy sleeper, how does he feel about people coming over to his house, how much of a people-person or how social is he, etc. I wanna be sure I'm not too surprised at what I see (or hear or smell) after I say "I do".
One thing I've been thinking a lot about this week from our class discussions is weddings, especially my own. I'll admit, I do have a Pinterest board dedicated to "Wedding Ideas?" filled with decor, reception venues, proposal fantasy ideas, honeymoon ideas, engagement rings, the whole hullabaloo. I still remember when I started that board- I was visiting my sister in Alaska when she was about to have her baby, and I was so bored that I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon with other girls my age and start thinking about my future wedding. I've added little bits to it here and there in the past, but now it's one of my bigger boards just because of this week 😀 In class, our teacher brought up an interesting fun fact he heard: the more expensive the engagement ring, the less likely the marriage will last long-term. I'm not completely sure where my opinion stands on that, but I can kinda see where the guy's coming from; if there's a ginormous ring dangling on the bride's finger, then there's probably going to be some suspicion about how materialistic she may be- is she high maintenance or even a gold digger? Maybe that's just me ;)
Whelp, as far as weddings go I may have some fun ideas as to what I'd like, but whenever I think about my own future wedding, I remember the last time one of my siblings got married: my brother Tim was about to be sealed in the Payson, Utah temple with his sweetheart the next day, and my sisters were talking about their weddings and how they felt on their 'wedding eves', and suddenly after comparing and contrasting each other's receptions and all the stress and planning that went into it, they all looked at me and said, "Sarah, don't even plan a wedding, it's so not worth it. Just take the money and RUN! Go off and thank everyone for wishing you well later." I can see some truth in that, but we'll see whether or not I heed their advice ;)
As fun as thinking about a wedding is and planning a reception and wondering how I'll decorate all the mason jars, I was glad to have another good reminder this week of the difference between the marriage and the wedding, and to remember to place the importance on the marriage. The whole celebration is about two people who've decided to love and cherish each other for forever, and as scary as that kind of commitment can be, it is still a reason to celebrate and rejoice in because love is all about commitment and loyalty and faith in each other. I'm excited to build my classic Frank Sinatra kind of relationship with my future sweetheart, cuz I don't wanna have love without marriage or a marriage without love :)
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