“Say Whatcha Need To Say”

We’ve all said it in various ways and plenty more will say it again: “the world needs better communicators”, “if only people would just learn how to communicate”, “people just SUCK at communicating”, etc. I think there are various reasons for communication challenges- pathological liars, bad childhood, timidity or shyness, (social) anxiety, don’t wanna day anything that nobody else is saying because that gives me unwanted attention, et cetera et cetera et cetera. But more than anything I believe that the problem with communication all boils down to
VULNERABILITY.
Real, totally honest communication means exposing something about ourselves that we’re probably not willing to share with anybody. Vulnerability is hard for everybody, no matter your past history; we’re human beings and we like to be comfortable and have as much control over our image and comfort as possible. But the beauty of vulnerability is that it’s the very thing that builds what we want even more than control or comfort, and that’s intimacy. Shared vulnerability creates intimacy- emotional and spiritual, not just physical. But even though we all crave closeness with romantic partners as well as family and friends, why do we suck so badly at communicating and sharing those vulnerabilities?
This week in class we talked about communication, and the thing I love when talking about communication in an academic setting is not only why we have issues with it so often, but most especially when we talk about specific ways to fix it. I’d like to think that it’s pretty safe to speak for everyone when I saw that we all think we have at least an idea of what good communication looks or sounds like. I myself struggle with thinking that I’m a good listener, but one thing I was reminded of this week was the principle of confirming what someone says, or confirmation. I was actually really touched by this concept because it reminded me of when I first learned about using this practice while I was a full-time missionary. In the Preach My Gospel manual, one of the chapters talks specifically about this practice and specifically using it with your investigators during lessons. It comes out in phrases like, “So what you’re saying is..., is that right?” Or even, “So are you saying that....?” When you say things like that, you’re not only showing the other person that you really are listening to them and trying to understand what they’re really saying, but it also helps you not look like an idiot or a jerk later on in the conversation. I still remember when I read that how I thought, “Oh that’s a nice idea.” But now I think, “Oh my gosh why isn’t everyone doing this?! This could save all of us so much confusion and conflict if we’d just ask confirming questions!!!”
The topic of communication brought back a LOT of memories from my childhood and growing-up years. I guess I shouldn’t think that my family is much different than many other families as far as how bad we are at communication, I don’t think many people in this world are consistently good communicators- let alone whole families. We assume a lot of things in my family, and when something’s bothering us we either keep quiet or explode. And after that all happens we just act like it’s over and done for and we were taught to “just get over it.” I can honestly say I don’t remember more than 2 or 3 times in my life while still living with siblings that either a sister/brother apologized to another sibling or a sibling apologized to me; we’re not good at addressing the problem without yelling at each other and aggressively getting our point across. It very quickly becomes a matter of convincing the other that we’re right and they’re wrong. Yelling is something I’ve become very sensitive about because of how bad a problem it is in my family, and in all honesty it came from Mj mother. Sometimes I honestly wonder if we have some Italian in her line because when she gets even slightly annoyed or even just passionate about something, she raises her voice and says she’s not yelling 😳😐😒😡 I want to make a concerted effort throughout my life to not be afraid of being the first one to apologize, and also to not raise my voice when it’s not necessary- which according to one of our prophets is only a necessity if the house is on fire. I want to make sure that I practice good communication now so I can be an even better communicator as a wife and mother, and especially so I’ll know how to help clients/others to improve their communication as a future therapist.